Carry These Secrets
by OnlyStraightForJongup
Summary: Regulus Black told many secrets to Sirius, but in the end, both brothers carried them to the grave.
1. Chapter 1

Sirius Black knew how it felt to carry someone else's secrets. His brother carried a pile of secrets to the grave. Sirius found his death unclimactic to a shocking degree. One day he existed, and then, simple enough, he no longer did. Voldemort killed him.

Before it happened, months before it happened, Regulus came to him, or perhaps Sirius found him; Sirius doubted Regulus ever intended to find him, but he'd been desperate.

Sirius snuck out to meet Regulus, once a week. Each time, his brother left without a goodbye, only promising that they wouldn't meet again. But each week, Regulus returned. He came with information, stories of what the Dark Lord planned. Sirius knew that if convinced Regulus to go to Dumbledore, then his brother would gain the protection of the Order of the Phoenix. Regulus scoffed when he told him that Dumbledore could help, the first time they met.

Sirius never asked him again. Looking back, he could tell he walked a difficult balance, pulled between two ideas. One, he couldn't scare Regulus away. Two, he wanted Regulus to live. Even as a child, his brother remained fiercely independent. In his school years, Sirius took that as Regulus not caring about him, only caring about his Slytherins and his bloody purity and everything Sirius hated and denied with passion. Sirius knew now, knew too late, that his independence meant nothing like that.

He still didn't really know what it meant, but it wasn't that. After he met Regulus again, he tried to hate his younger brother; he tried to fuel a fire with thoughts of betrayal and the Dark Mark. It worked; he hated Regulus. But maintaining that was exhausting. Sirius couldn't live with all the hate running through his veins. He felt it consume him, and he trembled with indignant anger when Regulus dared to tell him that his friend – _his friend_ – was a spy for Voldemort. He told the man to go, and Regulus did, promising they wouldn't meet again.

They did.

A better man than Sirius would have protected his brother, told him that they'd get him away from the Death Eaters. Sirius tried to, once, and Regulus laughed, telling him not to strain himself with thoughts of actually helping his younger brother. He wanted to help, of course, but he couldn't. There was too much. Everything was too much, and then Marlene McKinnon died, and it was even more.

After that happened, after Marlene was murdered, Sirius didn't go to meet Regulus. Hot fury had drowned him, trapping him, and Sirius wouldn't – couldn't! – forgive his brother for being a Death Eater, not when they killed Marlene. It was the first week since the meetings began that Regulus didn't tell him they wouldn't meet again.

They never met again.

Because then Regulus was dead. Then his brother tried to run away from Voldemort, and he was murdered like a coward. Sirius only knew this because Bellatrix told him so, in the middle of a battle. She promised it had taken a long time for Regulus to die.

Sirius hadn't cried then, and he didn't cry now. Regulus got what was coming for him; if he wanted to live, he should have taken Sirius's offer to protect him. Sirius had no reason to feel guilty for the death, but even as he thought that, he knew he didn't feel normal guilt.

Sirius wasn't guilty that he never protected his brother. He wasn't guilty that he never told anyone in the Order about Regulus. When his brother told him important information, Sirius kept it to himself still, refusing to believe that Regulus would ever tell him the truth, preferring to believe it was all a lie.

Sirius's guilt only rose, making his stomach drop, making him swallow hard as his throat burned, when he realized how little he cared about Regulus after all.

His brother died; his brother, who had confided in him so many secrets, died. Sirius found that after a day or two, Regulus stopped crossing his mind after all. That week, he passed the time he planned to meet Regulus without realizing that's what it was; Sirius had more important issues to deal with than his stupid baby brother.

He never told anyone he met Regulus again. Sirius never told anyone what Bellatrix said, and decades later, when Harry discovered the note in the locket, signed R.A.B., Sirius had already died and never got to see it.

 **Well that's depressing as hell. I'm a little concerned.**

 **I may turn this into a longer fic. Something about their visits and just a lot of characterization. This week is characterization week for my writing soooooo yeah.**

 **Daily Writing Challenge Day 2**

 **Writing Tumblr: Speaking-Out-Loud**

 **Please let me know what you think! Please request anything!**

 **Disclaimer: Not my universe**


	2. First Meetings

Sirius's eyes flew open, but he stayed still, his groggy mind going from deep sleep to awake too fast. He had enough time to wonder what woke him up before he recognized the loud beeps echoing through his apartment.

He jumped up, feet tangling in his blankets. Lurching to the ground, he caught himself with a hand and pulled himself off the floor. He grabbed his wand, not caring that he only wore his boxers. If there were Death Eaters outside, he needed to protect himself now. Sirius preferred to save his apartment, but he knew that, worst case, he could escape, abandoning his home. Considering that no spells were flying yet, he thought he had a nice chance to save his home.

Peering out the window, Sirius couldn't see anyone on the street, but he also hadn't heard anyone inside the house. The stairs squeaked; even when James tried to not make noise and surprise him, Sirius heard the first step and then every other one after that. His other ward should have started blaring if someone entered the house, but he didn't dare rest his life on the assumption that the ward couldn't be fooled. He'd rather make sure himself.

He set the wards to identify people who weren't in the Order of the Phoenix but who were coming towards his house with the intent of finding him. Sirius knew someone was outside but who? Why hadn't they entered the house yet? Clutching his wand in his hand, Sirius decided to do something stupid.

He walked down the stairs, looking through the small first floor. No one in the kitchen; no one in the living room. He even pulled open the door to the bathroom, peering inside. Well, unless they fit in the toilet, there wasn't anyone in there. He recognized the small chance that whoever it was had Disillusioned themselves or hidden in another way, but it seemed too unlikely that the person had both managed to fool his ward and then also managed to evade his search. So that meant the person was outside still.

Sirius wondered if the person planned on ambushing him or what. There was a chance it wasn't a Death Eater, but combining the fact that it was the middle of the night with the fact that the person wasn't an Order member, Sirius doubted that. He passed back into his lounge, walking by pictures of the Marauders in their Hogwarts days. It felt weird to no longer be at Hogwarts. The real world was a little scarier than he'd expected, but he enjoyed being an Auror and owning a little flat in London.

Deciding to investigate, aware he may step right into a trap, Sirius held his wand up, opening his front door. He half expected the blaring lights of spells assaulting him, but instead, he only felt the warm summer air. A breeze ruffled his long hair, and he stepped outside, letting the door close behind him. Sirius' wand arm shook a little as the wind stirred leaves and branches. The ominous rustle shouldn't have scared him, and he scoffed quietly at his anxiety.

"Hello?" His voice wavered more than he would like, and he scowled, blaming it on the wind and the stupid muggle horror film he, Lily and James watched a few nights ago. He had no reason to be nervous; he had nothing in common with the stupid main character who walked into a dangerous situation without knowing what it was. If the stupid man just minded his own business, he never would have died.

A branch snapped across the street, and Sirius looked up, taking a few steps closer towards the sound until he stood in the middle of the road.

"Hello?" He tried again for a response, and he looked in the direction of where he heard the noise. Still no answer. Sirius frowned, not wanting to accept that he may not find out who was outside his flat. "I'm Sirius Black. I know you were looking for me. Maybe one of my fangirls from Hogwarts." He flashed an award-winning smile into the darkness, not sure whether he was trying to goad the person into attacking or just annoy them enough to show themselves.

"As if you have any fangirls after Slytherin won the cup," a voice said. It was quiet, and for a moment Sirius wondered if it really happened. Nothing moved in the darkness. Despite him straining himself to see something more or hear something more, there was nothing.

"Look, I really doubt you're here to attack me after all this, so you should just come out. Hell, I'll even make you tea."

"Do you really want me to come out?" the voice spoke again, and Sirius could stop from frowning.

"Of course –," he said, but the quiet voice interrupted him.

"You don't realize who I am do you?" It sounded hurt, and Sirius ran the voice through his head, meeting only blanks.

"No," Sirius said, his voice a little quieter as he admitted it. "Should I?"

"Probably not." Now it was the stranger's turn to admit something. "But I hoped you would." The leaves rustled again, and Sirius barely made out the words.

"Who are you?" he asked. "Come out."

Finally, he saw a shape in the darkness. Sirius had been focusing on the wrong side; the wind must have messed up his perception on where the voice came from. A figure walked down the road towards him, getting closer and closer. In the darkness, it took until the figure got quite close for Sirius to even begin to see him.

He made out black robes first, and then eyes gleamed at him in moonlight. Sirius saw his hair was rather long, and he thought it was dark shade of brown, but he couldn't tell for sure.

"Lumos," he said, his voice only a whisper. He wondered why he hadn't thought of using the spell before, when the voice first spoke.

Sirius illuminated a young man, Hogwarts age. Even with the light, it took him a couple of tense moments to recognize the shorter man – or boy – Sirius wasn't really sure. They had a thin build, and that really was what made Sirius stiffen, understanding who stood before him.

It all made sense, from his first comment to why Sirius wouldn't want to see him.

"Hello, brother," Regulus Black whispered, stepping out of the darkness and fully into the light of Sirius's wand.

"Regulus?" Now that he saw the man, the quiet voice made much more sense. Regulus never really raised his voice; Sirius had only heard him do so once, and _that_ was a night Sirius didn't like to remember. "Why are you here?" He felt a little paralyzed from the shock of everything. Sirius couldn't recall the last time they had any conversation that even resembled friendly or nice.

"I don't really know," Regulus said. "Honestly I planned on just brooding outside, but you put an end to that."

"Did something happen?" Sirius asked. He felt like he should be angry but looking at his fidgeting brother, he couldn't find it in himself.

"Mother died," Regulus said. "I know you don't care, and I didn't come to tell you that but –."

"That makes you head of the Black family," Sirius said. He swallowed his satisfaction at hearing the old bat was dead.

"Yeah," Regulus agreed. Sirius heard something in his voice that he couldn't really name. He'd heard it before though, when James told him that his uncle died and left him a lot of money. It wasn't really grief, more like… pained acceptance? If that made any sense, at all. Sirius didn't think it really did. He did, however, know how to handle this emotion.

"Come inside," he said. "I have Firewhiskey." Regulus followed him, and once inside, Sirius really got a better look at him. His brother had always been shorter than him, and he was built smaller than Sirius. The perfect Seeker, they'd called him on the Quidditch field. He lived up to the name; even Sirius, his enemy in that regard, couldn't deny his talent.

Regulus had a good grasp on pureblood training; Sirius always had acted too loud, too out-going, to learn much of anything about acting cold and stiff, but Regulus picked it up. He wasn't stiff and formal, like their father, but he seemed to own his body, not apologizing for his presence. Well, at least sometimes, Sirius thought with a little smirk, seeing Regulus shift his weight in discomfort because of Sirius's gaze.

"Would you stop looking at me like that?" he said., his voice insolent and almost like a child's. Sirius laughed, turning away to pour Regulus a glass of Firewhiskey. "Why are you okay with me being here?" Regulus asked.

"I don't know," Sirius said. "I'm not? But I also know you wouldn't have come if not for a good reason." He was being honest; if before today someone asked what he'd do if his brother showed up at his house, he would have told them that he would have laughed at Regulus until he left or thrown him out himself. "Also you brought me the best news I've heard in a while. It's good to hear the old bat is dead."

Regulus looked like he wanted to scold his older brother, but instead only sighed.

"Maybe you should put on a shirt before we talk?" he said. Sirius looked down. Oh right, he only had boxers on. A younger Regulus would have blushed, but this man – because Regulus was only a year younger than him – didn't.

"You mean you don't like staring at my chest?" Sirius hit a pose.

"Merlin," Regulus said under his breath. "Why do people talk to you?"

"Hey, remember," Sirius said with a smirk. He pointed at Regulus. "You came here. I didn't force you here."

"Oh," Regulus said. "Right." Then he drowned his glass of Firewhiskey in one go. Sirius scowled and stepped away, going upstairs to get some clothes on. Regulus stood as he walked by, no doubt going to get more alcohol.

Sirius wondered why he did let his brother in his house. Regulus betrayed him; Regulus hated him, but the man in his house… didn't hate him. That was clear. Sirius felt a little like bashing his head against the wall. Why did his family always complicate matters? He wished he could just hate his family, but he couldn't seem to just lay that blanket over the issue and let it die.

At least, he couldn't do that with Regulus. If Sirius was honest with himself, he never had been able to hate Regulus. He just pretended rather convincingly.

"Better?" he asked, walking back downstairs. Sirius's bottle of Firewhiskey was about half gone, and he frowned at his brother. Either Regulus held alcohol very well or Sirius was going to deal with his drunk ass tonight. Regulus reached out to pour himself another glass, and Sirius saw his fingers were trembling. "Stop, that's enough for tonight."

"But -," Regulus started. Sirius silence him with a shake of his head, and his brother scowled. Sirius felt once again like he was looking at a child, and he swallowed hard.

"So head of the Black family, huh?" he asked. Regulus nodded, looking at his hands. His shoulders slumped forward.

"I don't know how to do it," he said. "I'm not like dad." Sirius stiffened at the mention of their father.

"I hope you're not like dad," Sirius said. "I'd be angry that you're in my house."

"Well, you know what I mean though," Regulus said. It was clear the alcohol was affecting him as he waved his arms around a little. "How do I head the Black family? No one will help me unless they can get something out of it."

"Ugh Slytherins," Sirius said. He felt a little useless, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. Realizing he should sit, he pulled out a chair beside Regulus and plopped down. Regulus didn't bother to look up at him.

"I just – I don't know how to do this," Regulus said. "I wish you were still the heir." Sirius held back a loud, laughing "Hell fucking no," and just looked at Regulus. "You've always been a better leader than me."

"That's not true," Sirius said. "Besides, I'm sure you have time to figure everything out. You're not seventeen yet; they can't put too much on you." Regulus let out a bitter laugh, and Sirius jumped at the sound of it. He didn't think his brother could make a sound like that.

"They already did," he said. "I had to arrange the whole funeral, and it's tomorrow, and everyone's going to expect me to be this perfect, grieving son."

"At least after that everything with – with your mother will be over," Sirius said. He couldn't bear calling that woman his mother.

"I guess so," Regulus said. He leaned back on the chair, and Sirius saw his face was flushed red. Regulus definitely wasn't a heavy drinker. "Bella expects me to join the Dark Lord."

Sirius froze. He hadn't expected that. While he may have invited Regulus inside, he didn't expect for their conversation to turn to something like politics and Voldemort. After all, they were so clearly on opposite sides of that battle.

"Are you?" Sirius asked. His mouth felt dry, and his words came out sharper than he meant them to.

"I – I don't know," Regulus said. "I don't know anything. I told her I'd think about it. Mother's wanted me to join for so long. Bella told her they wanted me just before she died, and the last thing she said to me was how _proud_ she was that one of her sons turned out right and -." He choked on his words and turned away from Sirius. For as much as Regulus had grown into his face and body since Sirius last cared to look at him, he still looked so young.

"It doesn't matter what your mother says, Reggie," Sirius said. His voice was quiet, and it had a begging tone to it that Sirius didn't really understand himself.

"Her dying wish was for me to join. I'm going to disappoint her if I don't," he said. "I'm – I'm not disloyal. How could I -?"

"How could you betray yourself to stay loyal to her?" Sirius said, breaking Regulus's stream of words.

"I -," he said, then stopped, and Sirius saw him swallow hard. "Am I betraying myself though? Or am I just a coward?" Sirius had no answer for that.

They sat in silence for a good ten minutes. Regulus rested his head in his hands and leaned forward while Sirius finally drank his own glass of Firewhiskey. Merlin, he needed it tonight.

Regulus finally raised his head with a groan, looking straight at Sirius.

"Does it bother you?" he asked, and his voice held a hard edge to it. He nearly glared at Sirius.

"Hmm?" he asked, not sure what Regulus meant.

"Being a traitor to the whole family," Regulus said. Now he really was glaring. "Leaving me behind. All of it. Do you regret it?" Sirius fiddled with his glass, thinking for a moment before meeting his brother's eyes.

"No, I don't regret it," he said. "I hardly ever think about it."

"I couldn't do that." Sirius didn't know what to say to that, so he just kept tapping his fingers against the table.

"Why did you really come here, Reg?" Sirius asked.

"Dunno," the teenager said. "Didn't plan on actually talking to you." Sirius sighed.

"Look, I'll set up the couch for you, alright?" Sirius said. "You should get some sleep, especially if Walburga's funeral is tomorrow."

"Sirius, what do you think will happen if I tell Bella no?" Regulus asked. Sirius think he knew the answer, but while he didn't want to sugarcoat the situation, he couldn't seem to tell Regulus what he really thought.

"Well," he said, drawing the word out. "She wouldn't be very happy."

"She'd probably kill me," Regulus agreed. "I hate this."

"That's an understatement," Sirius said with a scoff.

"No," Regulus said. "I hate this because I already know I'm just going to join in the end. What's the point of fighting?"

Sirius wanted to yell at his brother, to demand that Regulus take that back and not say that. He couldn't be stupid enough to join; he really couldn't. Looking at the tipsy – if not drunk – boy, Sirius couldn't find it in himself to act angry. Not now, at least.

"C'mon," he said instead. "Let's just get you to bed." He pulled his brother onto his feet, and Regulus leaned against him. Sirius wondered when his brother got so skinny. Sure, he'd always been light, but now his weight felt like nothing.

Regulus staggered to the sofa, and Sirius left to grab extra sheets and blankets from the closet. Pulling them out, he returned to find that Regulus already laid down.

"Stand up, Reggie," he said. "Let me get it ready." His brother made a sad sound and just turned his back on Sirius. Sirius sighed (again, and damn he never should have let Regulus in his house. It was clearly bad for his mental health). He placed a blanket over Regulus and stepped back. For a moment, he considered saying goodnight.

"Don't puke on my couch," he said instead, then turned from his brother and left the room.

"Goodnight, Sirius," he heard Regulus say as he left.

Sirius climbed the stairs to his room, wondering why he had even gone outside earlier. It was already 3 AM, and he needed to get to work at 8. Great. Sirius groaned as he laid down, feeling his head swim with exhaustion. He knew that he should be angry that Regulus slept downstairs, that Regulus came at all, but he couldn't seem to summon it all right now.

Perhaps it was because Regulus just seemed pathetic.

Sirius turned off his light and just went to sleep, figuring he'd deal with it all in the morning.

 **Well, so turns out I do want to continue this. I have a pretty good grasp on where I want this to go so stay turned!**

 **Please let me know what you think! Also feel free to send me requests.**

 **Writing tumblr: Speaking-Out-Loud**

 **Disclaimer: not my universe**


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